After Restoration

Suffering from brain cancer, my neighbor passed away a few years ago.  Leaving behind a wife and two young boys made the situation even worse.  He was buried on a hot August day at a graveyard that adjoined a local church.   I remember distinctively how dry the cemetery plot looked on the day of the funeral.  Although the location of the gravesite was beautiful, my neighbor would not have liked the condition of the grounds as he was an avid gardener and liked his landscaping just so.

I have not been to the gravesite since his passing.  With his birthday approaching and his wife now living out-of-state; I thought it would be nice to go out and leave some flowers at his final resting place.  The spring rains and the passing years have done the graveyard grounds good.  I was disappointed to see how dirty and discolored his flat headstone now is in only a short period of time.  The discoloration made it very difficult to find the marker.

Most damage that is done to a gravesite marker is due to the elements.  Sun, water, ice, debris, and the ground resettling can all have negative effects on a marker, despite the rocks strong structure.  The Gravesite Masters specialize in gravestone and monument cleaning and restoration services.  Our industry experts are able to restore your loved ones site as close as possible to its original condition.  Offering nationwide gravesite beautification services; stop by Gravesite Masters to see how we can help you honor your dearly departed every day of the year.

The giving of flowers to loved ones has been around for centuries.  From the beginning of recorded history, people have assigned special significance and meanings to different types of flowers.  Flowers symbolize love, faith, hope, friendship, honor, honesty and spirituality to name just a few.

The symbolic use of flowers is mentioned in Chinese writings, Greek and Roman mythology, and in Egyptian inscriptions.  Flowers even played a special role in early Turkey.  In the 17th century, many Turkish residents sent secret messages by sending flowers.  Each specific flower had a specific meaning for the person who received it.  This secret language became a popular way to send symbolically arranged bouquets to communicate secret affection, attraction, or love to another person.

Flowers have played an important roll in ceremonies as well.  Whether it is a happy ceremony, such as wedding; or a sad ceremony, such as a funeral, flowers represent the feelings of the family. Specific colors of flowers also have special meanings.  For example, red and pink symbolize love and romance; white symbolizes unity, purity and long lasting love; blue symbolizes tranquility; and purple or lavender symbolize nobility and devotion.

Adorning the gravestone or gravesite, monument flowers are a wonderful way to show your love for your dearly departed.  The Gravesite Masters specialize in nationwide gravesite care and beautification services.  We offer fresh-cut flowers, bouquets and wreath delivery service to the cemetery of your choice. We make it easy for you to remember your loved ones even when you are too far away to visit on special occasions.

Unless and until you have lost someone close, it is difficult to relate to or understand what a person is going through.  Not only does it help the healing process to share your grief, but hearing stories of others who are dealing with the loss of a loved one can help.  While the Grave Concerns™ blog is typically not a forum for publishing the comments we receive, one of our readers wanted to share her story in the event it might help others who are dealing with grief.  Since it was related to our Bereavement, Mourning, And Grief Series, we felt that some of you may benefit by reading her story.  Please keep in mind that the following thoughts, feelings, opinions, and information expressed hereafter are those of the individual author or commenter and do not necessarily represent the views or opinions of Gravesite Masters™.   Here is her story:

We had first met at a Christian Teen Camp at Nanoose Bay, here on Vancouver Island, in mid July 1972.  I was there, with 5 girlfriends as dishwashers, as none of our parents could afford the cost.  He was standing quietly in front of the Lodge, with his bike, looking so very shy!  I found myself wandering over, just to get a closer look, as he was so very handsome.  I asked if he was staying at all, to which he replied ‘no’.  He had just ridden down from Powell River to see this place he’d heard so much about.  And as he was working at the Mill there, for his Dad, he’d have to be heading back pretty quick.  At the time, I was 16 and he was 17.  We never saw each other again, until early 2000.

I worked at the Safeway, close to downtown Victoria and there was a particular gorgeous customer, who came in, only about twice a week.  But every day, I hoped to see him.  Even though he had asked me out twice, and I’d declined, as I was twice divorced and therefore terrified of making yet another mistake.  On one of my weekly trips out to see my Mom, I complained to her about him, and Mom did something she’d never EVER done.  Told me, loudly, to ask HIM out!  Well, I thought she was getting old & losing it, so I more or less ignored her statement.  But, I never forgot.
 
After more time had passed, I discovered that he was one of the top Carpenters in the city, so I asked him if he could do some minor repairs in my apartment in late fall 2003.  Shortly after that, we had our first dinner out, and started sharing and basically putting pieces together, finding out who the other one really was!  And all this time, the boy from Powell River, that handsome young man at Nanoose Bay, had been right here!

We started recounting days, months, years of our lives, and mistakes we’d made.  They were unbelievably, near identical!  During my two previous bad marriages, I had thought & wondered of him so very many times, and he the same of me!  And after meeting at Nanoose Bay, he had gotten my address from my dearest Aunt who was the Supervisor at the time, and mailed a lovely lavender stone on a gold chain.  When it arrived, I had given it to my Mom, as she loved that color, and I figured that someone that good looking, would never want me, therefore I didn’t reply to his letter.  Something I’ve never forgiven myself for.  Since I’d happily & finally been single, I’d seriously thought of driving up to the Ferry & going to Powell River, and somehow finding the Mill, to ask about him.  Which, was itself, just plain ridiculous as I didn’t keep that precious letter from him, and therefore didn’t even know his name.

We were married April 17th, 2004!  I only discovered recently that Christ was actually born on that day, and not December 25th.  It was almost immediately afterwards that he took ill, and for someone in such excellent physical condition, went slowly downhill for the next three years.  Gary never took off his wedding ring or crucifix, but on April 12th, 2007, he asked me while so ill, laying in bed, to take them off, without giving a reason.  It scared me so much, as my dear Mom had done the same thing four years prior, and just 2 days before she had passed away!  And, so, my handsome, kind loving thoughtful Christian husband, the only man of my dreams, who gave me the best three years of my life, just slipped away and joined my Mom & Dad in GLORY, on April 14th, 2007.  I had never been treated as well, or loved and adored, the way he did me!

Well, it’s been over 16 months now, since I lost him.  I didn’t realize just how horrific a broken heart could be.  I’ve heard others say, it was like literally having half your heart ripped out.  And, they were so right!   To let others know, isn’t easy, but for some reason, 3 months ago I had a sudden strong urge to begin this, and have been sharing my story with many others since.  This has been one of the most difficult journey’s in my entire life!  And no, it doesn’t get any easier with time!
 
Around April 21st, 2007, in our bedroom, about 15-20 min after I’d gone to bed, the chain attached to our blinds, for winding/moving them, loudly rattled.  At first, I thought it was our Tabby Cats, but no, as each and every single night it happened, I would find where they were.  Then thought it must be the wind, even though they’d never rattled before.  So then I was sure it was the wind, as we live right by the ocean, but again.no, as we face the opposite direction.  I had also seen many times, shadows here and there, since Gary’s death.  And almost everytime, our kitties would charge out from where ever they’d been, either sleeping or playing, to sniff the exact same area enthusiastically, where I’d just seen the shadow, seconds before.  So, after a while, I realized it was my Gary!  Well, it’s amazing, how time does droll on and on, and pretty much things remained the same around here.  Until one night… April 20th, 2008.
 
Gary’s eldest daughter, had been working overseas, with the United Church for a year, starting almost around the time she lost her Dad.Her only sister & Mom had been with me for the Burial Service, but I’d often thought of her.  For some strange reason on that night, I felt a sudden urgent need to phone their house.  Well, I was pleasantly surprised when she answered, telling me she was back from abroad for a while.  It was just so lovely to hear her beautiful voice, as I had desperately been wanting to tell her, how very much her Dad was proud of her, and as I did that, from the far bedroom, the chain on the blinds rattled!  They had rattled EVERY SINGLE NIGHT.  But after THAT night, they have NEVER rattled again!

Dear readers, that was my wonderful husband, telling me, that I’d finally done what was so very important to him!  Just to let his first born know, how proud and pleased with her actions, at the young age of 19, that he was!  (I’ve often wished I had done the same with my life, instead of destroying 25 years on 2 bad marriages, my Mom had forbidden!)  And here she was, devoting herself to the work of our dear Lord & Saviour!!   I’ve been told by those who knew us best, to write a book on our lives.  But unfortunately, both sides of our family’s would not be very pleased.  Just remember something that my Mom taught me, as a very small child, & never have forgotten… Christ will NEVER leave us, nor forsake us!  No matter how stupid, idiotic or just plain disastrous we make our lives. He will carry us through!
 
These Bible scriptures have literally been my sustenance & strength:

• My Child, you may not know me, but I know everything about you!  (Psalm 139:1)
• I know when you sit down & when you rise up.  I am familiar with all your ways!  (Psalm 139:3)
• For you were made in my image!  (Genesis 1:27)
• You are my offspring!  (Acts 17:28)
• You were not a mistake!  For all your days are written in my book!  (Psalm 139: 15-18)
• I determined the exact time of your birth & where you would live!  (Acts 17:28)
• My plan for your future has always been filled with hope!  (Jeremiah 29:11)
• My thoughts toward you are as countless as the sand on the seashore!  (Psalm 139:17-18)
• And I rejoice over you with singing!  (Zephaniah 3:17)
• When you are brokenhearted, I am close to you!  (Psalm 34:18)
• As a shepherd carries a lamb, I have carried you close to my heart!  (Isaiah 40:11)
• One day, I will wipe every tear from your eyes & I’ll take away all the pain you have suffered here on this earth! (Revelation 21:3-4)
• I gave up everything I loved that I might gain your love!  (Romans 8: 31-32)
• My question is, will you be my child?  (John 1: 12-13)
• I am waiting for you.  (Luke 15:11-32)

My deepest prayers are with those of you who are also heartbroken, in grief & despair.  God Bless!  In loving Memory of Gary William Gibbs’.  (Signed)  Sheila Joyce Gibbs  You may contact her at:  sjgibbs@shaw.ca

We seem to give them back to You, Oh God,
Who gave them to us.

Yet as You did not lose them in giving,
So we do not lose them by their return.
Not as the world gives, do You give, O Lover of Souls,
What You give, You do not take away!
For what is Yours is ours also, if we are Yours.

And life is eternal and love immortal,
Death is only a horizon,
And a horizon is nothing save the limit of our sight!

Lift us up, strong Son of God, that we may see further,
Cleanse our eyes that we may see clearly,
Draw us closer to Yourself,
That we may know ourselves to be nearer to our loved
Ones, who are with You!

And while You prepare a place for us,
Prepare us also, for that happy place,
That where You are, we may be also,
Forevermore!!

The school is usually informed of parent and sibling deaths from some source other than the bereaved child since the child will be absent from school for several days.  Children who knew the parent or sibling of their classmate may react strongly to the death, but are often overlooked because of their indirect involvement.

Also frequently overlooked are those who did not know the deceased well, but had had memorable interactions with them.  For example, a young girl accidentally hit her friend’s sister with a ball she was tossing and was unable to convince her that it was an accident.  A week later, the girl who had been hit died unexpectedly, leaving the girl who hit her with extremely distressing feelings of guilt.  Another child who was playfully teased by a classmate’s older sibling, though he didn’t know the sibling well, reacted strongly when the sibling died.

Elementary school children can feel very anxious after learning of a death because they are so dependent upon their own parents and siblings.  They may worry about what would happen to them if it had been their own parent or sibling who died.  For the first time, they may be aware of their own vulnerability to death.  Teachers and other school professionals may hear students say “Children aren’t supposed to die.”  Some children may become fearful, overly cautious, clumsy or aggressive.

If the death of the parent of sibling is upsetting to many of the students, a mental health professional may be called in to assist with the initial discussion about the death.  The mental health professional might conduct a full classroom exercise including drawing pictures and writing stories or letters.  The principles below are important to all classroom discussions about the death.

1. Tell the truth.  Before telling the class, get as much information as possible from the family about how the parent or sibling died.  Tell the class what happened in terms that are appropriate to the children’s own cognitive and developmental levels.  For example, children may be concerned about whether the person was in pain or why someone did not stop the death.  If the person died in surgery, the professional and the teacher will need to be able to discuss the rarity of this occurrence and that the surgery itself did not cause the death (if that is true).  Accurate information is central
   to the child’s ability to analyze events and draw personally relevant conclusions.
2. Avoid giving unnecessary information that would only serve to distress or confuse the children.  Avoid creating mental images of frightening or horrifying sights.  Dispel any “Halloween-type” myths, which are common among elementary age children.  Elementary age children think very concretely.  Therefore, explain concretely what happened.  Hearing the truth may help to stop rumors.  Out of their own anxiety, children will need to talk about the death, and if they don’t have accurate information, they may distort the truth.  For example, a five-year-old boy whose father was killed by a gunshot was told by other children that his father was a “bad guy” because only “bad guys” get killed.  Young children, especially, may need reassurance more than once that rumors are not true.
3. Allow for ventilation.  After telling the children, set aside at least 30 minutes of time and offer them the opportunity to share their feelings about it.  The statement, “I wonder what kind of feelings (bereaved child’s name) is experiencing now,” will draw out words like “sad” and “bad” for kindergarten through about the third grade.  Older children will suggest more sophisticated adjectives.  If they seem reluctant to talk about it, ask them to draw a picture or write a paragraph about how they think the bereaved child feels.  Then ask some to read their paragraphs or explain their drawings.  If time does not permit the sharing of all their work, assure the children that more time will be allowed later so that all have the opportunity to talk.
4. Affirm all expressions.  Putting each adjective or phrase describing a feeling on the chalkboard may help the students feel that their expressions are acceptable.  A student may say, “I’m glad it didn’t happen to me.”  That is a very honest response.  It should be affirmed, not as being self-centered, but as being honest.  If a student begins to cry, let him or her know that it is very normal to feel sad at a time like this.  Crying over something that is sad is not the same as acting like a baby.  Sending a tearful child to the office or restroom to regain control may make him/her feel that crying is wrong.  It may be more helpful to ask if s/he is crying about the loss and to sit or stand quietly beside the child.  If the child indicates a need to leave the room, ask if he or she would like to join you outside the classroom for a few moments.  To reintegrate the child into the classroom, let the child know that it is OK to be quiet for a time when s/he returns.
5. Set aside time for written expressions for the bereaved child.  Notes, letters, or pictures created for the bereaved child mean a lot.  The class can decide if they want their notes and pictures to be taken to the home before the child returns to school, or if they want to wait until the bereaved child returns.  The school professional should ALWAYS screen these projects before delivering them.  Older elementary children can be amazingly cruel out of their own fear and anxiety.  Limericks, rhymes, or jokes about death should be screened out.  Such insensitive expressions signal a need for emotional help.  Some children may want to bake cookies or send flowers.
6. Plan for the return of the bereaved child.  Guide the class in deciding what to say and how to act when the bereaved child returns to school.  The subject should not be ignored, yet not every student should expect the bereaved child to want to talk about it.  In addition to the death in the family, it is devastating for the bereaved child to be abandoned by friends at school, thus experiencing another psychological loss.  Classmates might acknowledge it with a statement like, “I’m glad you’re back and I’m really sorry your mother died” and then treat the child as they did before the death.  Closer friends might say, “I feel so bad for you and would like for you to tell me about it when you feel up to it.”
7. Look for trouble signs when the bereaved child returns.  Some elementary age children will want to stay home following a death, possibly out of fear.  “Will I die?” or “Will someone else I love die?”  are common fears.  Staying home should be discouraged, with the school professional assuring the child that most people live to be very, very old- much older than they are now.  Bereaved children are easily distracted and they are frequently confused and forgetful.  Emotional outbursts of anger are common.  Stomachaches, headaches, eating and sleeping disorders may increase because grief is physical as well as emotional.  When these things happen, children need acceptance and support more than discipline.  They need to feel they are loved in spite of their behavior.

Discipline should not be relaxed during bereavement, nor should it be enhanced.  Teachers should expect and accept a regression in the quality of work of a bereaved student.  A graduated curriculum may be necessary.  The child may be assigned the same homework, only less of it, in order to maintain self esteem despite lowered concentration.  After school tutoring may become necessary if the quality of work is seriously diminished more than a short period of time.

Bereaved children need to tell and retell the story of what happened to them.  It helps them process it, piece by piece, until they form their own developmentally realistic understanding of it.  As Rabbi Earl Grollman says, “If it’s mentionable, it’s manageable.”

The death of a classmate or teacher can be almost as devastating as the death of a family member and should be acknowledged as such.  If the teacher has died, rather than abruptly introducing an unknown substitute, the principal, nurse or counselor should take over the class and assist in transitioning the children to a new and carefully chosen teacher.

1. The child’s or teacher’s desk should not be removed. Leaving it as it was for several days will help acknowledge the death.  Children may wish to discuss how the desk reminds them of the deceased.  Some classrooms have voted to keep the desk through the remainder of the school year.  The children, then, may periodically leave items such as flowers or notes on the desk as memorials.
2. Get as much information as possible from the family and ask their permission to share it with the class. Ask if they have any objections to students attending the funeral.
3. Tell the class before telling the rest of the school. Ask the class if they would like to attend the funeral if their parents give permission.
4. Tell the truth, allow for ventilation, and affirm all expressions (as above).  Because the classmates knew the deceased classmate or teacher intimately, their initial focus may be on him or her rather than their own feelings.  The principal, nurse or counselor, after explaining what happened, might talk about fond memories of the deceased and ask the children to do the same.  Some children, however, will be too numb to reminisce because they are so preoccupied with the death.  Some may focus more on their personal loss, such as the child who, after his teacher suddenly died, asked “Why couldn’t she wait until after the field trip?”  Such statements are genuine expressions of loss.  If the children won’t talk, use the “write a paragraph or draw a picture” exercise described above to express their memories.  Some children are reluctant to talk about their feelings because they fear no one else feels the way they do.
5. Allow a recess or break after this exercise. Children grieve intermittently and will not be able to focus on their grieving for extended periods of time.  Resume the regular classroom schedule after the break.
6. The next day, focus on the feelings of the classmates themselves. Ask for adjectives or phrases to describe how they feel.  Affirm all as described above.  Some guilt may be expressed for not always having treated the child or teacher kindly.  Acknowledge these feelings, but gently encourage the children to think rationally about their guilt.  Assure them that their bad feelings had nothing to do with the death.
7. Discuss the idea of giving the memory pictures or paragraphs to the family of the deceased child or teacher. Point out that many of these memories are unknown to the family because they happened at school.  The family will treasure these memories.  Those willing may put their name and date on the picture or note and may wish to title what they have created.  The class can decide who should deliver them to the family.
8. Discuss what they will see and hear if the class attends the funeral. If the school professional is uncomfortable with this task, invite the funeral director to do so.  This is a wonderful opportunity for children’s questions about the body to be answered.
9. Later, talk about a memorial for the deceased classmate or teacher. Placing a photo of the deceased in a prominent place and/ or the planting of a memorial tree or flowers may be meaningful.
10. Watch for trouble signs among the children such as increased aggression, withdrawal, risk-taking, clumsiness, or regression. After the death of a classmate, one boy began to fall down more frequently.  He later explained that he fell to hide his crying because he was sure he was the only one still sad about the death of his classmate.

As in all situations, the best way to deal with children is honestly.  Talk to the child in a language that he or she can understand.  Remember to listen to the child and try to understand what the child is saying and, just as importantly, what s/he’s not saying.  Children need to feel that the death is an open subject and that they can express their thoughts or questions as they arise.  Below are just a few ways adults can help children face the death of someone close to them:

THE CHILD’S FIRST CONCERN MAY BE “WHO WILL TAKE CARE OF ME NOW?”

• Maintain usual routines as much as possible.
• Show affection, and assure the child that those who love him/her still do and that they will take care of him/her.

THE CHILD WILL PROBABLY HAVE MANY QUESTIONS AND MAY NEED TO ASK THEM AGAIN AND AGAIN.

• Encourage the child to ask questions and give honest, simple answers that can be understood.  Repeated questions require patience and continued expression of caring.
• Answers should be based on the needs the child seems to be expressing, not necessarily on the exact words used.

THE CHILD WILL NOT KNOW APPROPRIATE BEHAVIOR FOR THE SITUATION.

• Encourage the child to talk about his/her feelings and share with him/her how you feel.  You are a model for how one expresses feelings.
• It is helpful to cry.  It is not helpful to be told how one should or should not feel.
• Allow the child to express his/her caring for you.  Loving is giving and taking.

THE CHILD MAY FEAR THAT SHE/HE ALSO MAY DIE OR THAT SOMEHOW CAUSED THE DEATH.

• Reassure the child about the cause of the death and explain that any thoughts s/he may have had about the person who died did not cause the death.
• Reassure him/her that this does not mean someone else s/he loves is likely to die soon.

THE CHILD MAY SHOW REGRESSIVE BEHAVIOR.

• A common reaction to stress is to revert to an earlier stage or development.  (For example, a child may begin thumb sucking, or bed-wetting; or, may need to go back into diapers or have a bottle for a time).  Support the child in this and keep in mind that these regressions are temporary.

FACTORS THAT CAN INHIBIT GRIEVING IN CHILDREN

1. The surviving parent’s inability to mourn.
2. The surviving parent’s inability to tolerate the pain of the child and to allow the child to mourn (denying feelings/expression)
3. Fear about the vulnerability of the surviving parent and the security of the self.
4. The lack of security of a caring environment.
5. The lack of a caring adult who can stimulate and support the mourning process.
6. Confusion about the death and his/her part in it.
7. Ambivalence towards the deceased parent.
8. Unchallenged magical thinking.
9. An ability to put thoughts, feelings, and memories into words.
10. Issues of adolescence that exacerbate normal conflicts in mourning.
11. Cognitive inability to accept the finality and irreversibility of the death.
12. Lack of opportunities to share longing, feelings, and also memories.
13. Instability of family life after the loss.
14. Reassignment of an inappropriate role and responsibility.

These factors contribute to the reason why many children bury their grief, have delayed grief reactions or mark time until more favorable circumstances arise and they can acknowledge the pain of the loss.   

SOME COMMON EXPRESSIONS OF CHILDREN’S GRIEF

Susan Woolsey says that experts have determined that those in grief pass through four major emotions:  fear, anger, guilt, and sadness.  It should be remembered that everyone who is touched by a death experiences these emotions to some degree- grandparents, friends, physicians, nurses, and children.  Each adult and child’s reactions to death are individual in nature.  Some common reactions are:

• SHOCK: The child may not believe the death really happened and will act as though it did not.  This is usually because the thought of death is too overwhelming.
• PHYSICAL SYSTEMS: The child may have various complaints such as headache or stomachache and fear that he or she too will die.
• ANGER: Being mostly concerned with his/her own needs, the child may be angry at the person who died because s/he feels s/he has been left “all alone” or that God didn’t “make the person well.”
• GUILT: The child may think that s/he caused the death by having been angry with the person who died, or she/he may feel responsible for not having been “better” in some way.
• ANXIETY and FEAR: The child may wonder who will take care of him or her now or fear that some other person s/he loves will die.  She/he may cling to his/her parents or ask other people who play an important role in his/her life if they love him or her.
• REGRESSION: The child may revert to behaviors s/he had previously outgrown, such as bed-wetting or thumbsucking.
• SADNESS: The child may show a decrease in activity - being “too quiet.”

BEREAVED CHILDREN  Mike Bishop shares these insights on bereaved children:

1. Kids want their feelings to be understood and acknowledged… but not pitied.
2. To many, the strong feelings of grief in children are unbelievable and are discounted… thus, the “forgotten mourners.”
3. Instead of grieving intensely for a year or so, kids are more likely to grieve intermittently over many years.
4. Most bereaved kids feel better if they can talk to another bereaved child.
5. Children have to deal with incredibly hurtful and insensitive statements that are made to them from other children.
6. Some children withdraw, and will not let themselves get close to others for fear of being hurt again.
7. Any illness can cause deep fear, especially if the loved one died after an illness.
8. Some kids are angry at God, and have a hard time working through this anger.
9. Reaching the age at which an older sibling died is frightening.  It is a relief when they get through that..a barrier is broken.
10. When a sibling dies, a child must face his or her own mortality.
11. Most kids say they feel guilty when they first start to laugh or have fun after a death.
12. Many kids want to be by themselves when they are sad.
13. Just because a child does not talk about the dead person does not mean that they are handling the death in a healthy way.
14. Displaced anger and frustration can come out in totally unrelated behavior such as fighting with friends, problems at school.
15. Holidays are very hard for kids…especially Halloween.  Many times parents over-compensate during holidays, this can backfire.
16. After a death, kids are expected to go to school and maintain a good grade average, even though grief preoccupies their mind.
17. A child’s grades will more than likely drop during a grief period, and this may cause further frustration to the child.
18. It is hard to go back to school after the death because of the unknown reactions they will get from classmates and teachers.

SIGNS WHEN BEREAVEMENT IN CHILDREN NEEDS OUTSIDE INTERVENTION

• If a child pretends absolutely nothing has happened.
• If school work takes a dramatic decline or the child develops a phobic fear of school.
• If news of a death or significant loss was kept from the child for a long time or if the child was told lies about the death.
• If a child threatens suicide.
• If a child panics frequently.
• If a child frequently physically assaults others or is cruel to animals.
• If a child had a difficult relationship with deceased or behaves poorly with the family members.
• If the child becomes involved with drugs or alcohol.
• If the child begins committing serious socially delinquent acts.
• If the child is unwilling or unable to socialize with other children.

WAYS TO HELP CHILDREN DEAL WITH GRIEF  -  As in all situations, the best way to deal with children is honestly.  Talk to the child in a language that he or she can understand.  Remember to listen to the child and try to understand what the child is saying and, just as importantly, what s/he’s not saying.  Children need to feel that the death is an open subject and that they can express their thoughts or questions as they arise.  Below are just a few ways adults can help children face the death of someone close to them:

• THE CHILD’S FIRST CONCERN MAY BE “WHO WILL TAKE CARE OF ME NOW?”  -  Maintain usual routines as much as possible.  Show affection, and assure the child that those who love him/her still do and that they will take care of him/her.
• THE CHILD WILL PROBABLY HAVE MANY QUESTIONS AND MAY NEED TO ASK THEM AGAIN AND AGAIN.  -  Encourage the child to ask questions and give honest, simple answers that can be understood.  Repeated questions require patience and continued expression of caring.  Answers should be based on the needs the child seems to be expressing,   not necessarily on the exact words used.
• THE CHILD WILL NOT KNOW APPROPRIATE BEHAVIOR FOR THE SITUATION.  -  Encourage the child to talk about his/her feelings and share with him/her how you feel.  You are a model for how one expresses feelings.  It is helpful to cry.  It is not helpful to be told how one should or should not feel.  Allow the child to express his/her caring for you.  Loving is giving and taking.
• THE CHILD MAY FEAR THAT SHE/HE ALSO MAY DIE OR THAT SOMEHOW CAUSED THE DEATH.  -  Reassure the child about the cause of the death and explain that any thoughts s/he may have had about the person who died did     not cause the death.  Reassure him/her that this does not mean someone else s/he loves is likely to die soon.
• THE CHILD MAY SHOW REGRESSIVE BEHAVIOR.  -  A common reaction to stress is to revert to an earlier stage or development.  (For example, a child may begin thumb sucking, or bed-wetting; or, may need to go back into diapers or have a bottle for a time).  Support the child in this and keep in mind that these regressions are temporary.

FACTORS THAT CAN INHIBIT GRIEVING IN CHILDREN  -  These factors contribute to the reason why many children bury their grief, have delayed grief reactions or mark time until more favorable circumstances arise and they can acknowledge the pain of the loss.

• The surviving parent’s inability to mourn
• The surviving parent’s inability to tolerate the pain of the child and to allow the child to mourn (denying feelings/expression)
• Fear about the vulnerability of the surviving parent and the security of the self.
• The lack of security of a caring environment.
• The lack of a caring adult who can stimulate and support the mourning process.
• Confusion about the death and his/her part in it.
• Ambivalence towards the deceased parent.
• Unchallenged magical thinking.
• An ability to put thoughts, feelings, and memories into words.
• Issues of adolescence that exacerbate normal conflicts in mourning.
• Cognitive inability to accept the finality and irreversibility of the death.
• Lack of opportunities to share longing, feelings, and also memories.
• Instability of family life after the loss.
• Reassignment of an inappropriate role and responsibility.

SOME COMMON EXPRESSIONS OF CHILDREN’S GRIEF  -  Experts have determined that those in grief pass through four major emotions:  fear, anger, guilt, and sadness.  It should be remembered that everyone who is touched by a death experiences these emotions to some degree- grandparents, friends, physicians, nurses, and children.  Each adult and child’s reactions to death are individual in nature.  Some common reactions are:

• SHOCK: The child may not believe the death really happened and will act as though it did not.  This is usually because the thought of death is too overwhelming.
• PHYSICAL SYSTEMS: The child may have various complaints such as headache or stomachache and fear that he or she too will die.
• ANGER: Being mostly concerned with his/her own needs, the child may be angry at the person who died because s/he feels s/he has been left “all alone” or that God didn’t “make the person well.”
• GUILT: The child may think that s/he caused the death by having been angry with the person who died, or s/he may feel responsible for not having been “better” in some way.
• ANXIETY and FEAR: The child may wonder who will take care of him or her now or fear that some other person s/he loves will die.  She/he may cling to his/her parents or ask other people who play an important role in his/her life if they love him or her.
• REGRESSION: The child may revert to behaviors s/he had previously outgrown, such as bed-wetting or thumbsucking.
• SADNESS: The child may show a decrease in activity - being “too quiet.”

UNDERSTANDING BEREAVED CHILDREN  -  Here are some some tips on understanding chilren who are dealing with grief:

• Kids want their feelings to be understood and acknowledged… but not pitied.
• To many, the strong feelings of grief in children are unbelievable and are discounted… thus, the “forgotten mourners.”
• Instead of grieving intensely for a year or so, kids are more likely to grieve intermittently over many years.
• Most bereaved kids feel better if they can talk to another bereaved child.
• Children have to deal with incredibly hurtful and insensitive statements that are made to them from other children.
• Some children withdraw, and will not let themselves get close to others for fear of being hurt again.
• Any illness can cause deep fear, especially if the loved one died after an illness.
• Some kids are angry at God, and have a hard time working through this anger.
• Reaching the age at which an older sibling died is frightening.  It is a relief when they get through that..a barrier is broken.
• When a sibling dies, a child must face his or her own mortality.
• Most kids say they feel guilty when they first start to laugh or have fun after a death.
• Many kids want to be by themselves when they are sad.
• Just because a child does not talk about the dead person does not mean that they are handling the death in a healthy way.
• Displaced anger and frustration can come out in totally unrelated behavior such as fighting with friends, problems at school.
• Holidays are very hard for kids…especially Halloween.  Many times parents over-compensate during holidays, this can backfire.
• After a death, kids are expected to go to school and maintain a good grade average, even though grief preoccupies their mind.
• A child’s grades will more than likely drop during a grief period, and this may cause further frustration to the child.
•  It is hard to go back to school after the death because of the unknown reactions they will get from classmates and teachers.

SIGNS WHEN BEREAVEMENT IN CHILDREN NEEDS OUTSIDE INTERVENTION  -  If you see these clues in a child, they may need counseling.

1. If a child pretends absolutely nothing has happened.
2. If school work takes a dramatic decline or the child develops a phobic fear of school.
3. If news of a death or significant loss was kept from the child for a long time or if the child was told lies about the death.
4. If a child threatens suicide.
5. If a child panics frequently.
6. If a child frequently physically assaults others or is cruel to animals.
7. If a child had a difficult relationship with deceased or behaves poorly with the family members.
8. If the child becomes involved with drugs or alcohol.
9. If the child begins committing serious socially delinquent acts.
10. If the child is unwilling or unable to socialize with other children.

“We must mend what has been torn apart, make justice imaginable again in a world so obviously unjust, give happiness a meaning once more…  It is a superhuman task.  But superhuman is the term for tasks that take a long time to accomplish, that’s all.” (Camus)

Here are some lanterns to light the path and guide you on your journey through grief.  They are guidelines written by path-finders who have traveled through grief before you.

• Seek and Accept Support.  You need acceptance and caring throughout grief.  If you lack support, make finding it your first goal.  Start with family, friends, or clergy, or call a local counseling agency or school counselor for advice.
• Accept Your Grief.  Time alone may not heal grief.  To work through it you must accept and deal with it.  Remember it is a natural healing process.  Roll with its tides.
• Find Models.  You may need evidence that survival and growth are possible.  Look for someone who can give you this hope.  Books and support groups may be good places to begin.
• Learn about Grief.  Many a person who has learned about grief has declared, “I found out I’m not crazy…I’m grieving.” Understanding grief can make it safer and more predictable.
• Express It.  Without expression grief can leave you frozen and stoic.  Find someone who can listen to your story-again and again.  You may also want to express it privately…through music, art, poetry or a journal.
• Accept your Feelings.  Grief has many feelings…some very intense.  Accept them and they will help you learn about yourself and the meaning of your loss.  Lock them up inside you and you will lock away parts of yourself.
• Pace Yourself.  Grief takes energy.  You may tire easily.  A slower pace alternated with periods of diversion and mild exercise will maximize healing.  So will good nutrition.
• Involve Yourself in Work or Meaningful Activity.  It can help you maintain direction, control and purpose, and occupy your mind.
• Don’t Be Afraid to Have Fun.  Laughter IS good medicine.  Allow yourself opportunities for diversion and freshness.  Children and pets are great providers of healing.  Nurture a friendship with someone who can help you play.
• Hitch Your Wagon to a Star.  Like the song says, “You’ve got to have hope…miles and miles of hope.” Faith is not the absence of fear, but the willingness to go on when fear is present.

Someone you know experiences the death of a loved one.  You realize that your sympathetic words and helpful gestures could mean great comfort to the, but sometimes it is difficult to know what to say or do.  Here are some suggestions that may help you:

• Communicate.  Show your concern by telephoning, by simply saying, “I’m so sorry,” and be offering to help in any way.
• Be yourself.  Simple, honest words will help much more than cliches like, “He is out of his pain.”
• Listen to your friend and watch your friend’s reactions.  Don’t force conversation, but if your friend feels like taking, be there.  Do not criticize, try to change the subject or probe for details about the death.  Being a good listener is one of the kindest things you can do for another person.
• Lend a hand with everyday concerns.  Answer the phone, greet visitors, prepare a meal or care for the children.  Helping in these ways will show your concern and be a great comfort.
• Understand that healing takes time.  Your grieving friend’s emotions will not go away in a week. 
• Allow time for sharing thoughts and feelings and understand that the exchange will help in healing.
• Write a letter.  Words expressing your sympathy and your special memories of the one who died will be a cherished keepsake for your friend.
• After a time, encourage your friend back into outside activities.  Be gentle and understanding.  “Beginning again” takes confidence and initiative that your friend may be lacking at the moment. 
• Offer encouragement, but be sensitive to your friend’s responses.
• Human contact, more than anything else, speeds the healing process.  Your grieving friend or relative will be comforted and strengthened by your concern, caring and help.

Camus said, “Don’t walk in front of me…I may not follow.  Don’t walk behind me I may not lead.  Walk beside me—-and just be my friend”.  Most grieving people do not need professional help…they need a friend.  O’Toole suggests a “baker’s dozen,” of ways you can be a friend to someone who is grieving.

1. Be There.  Grieving people need support and presence much more than advice.  It is important to offer support over time.
2. Initiate and Anticipate.  Grieving people often don’t know or can’t ask for what they need.  Suggest times you’ll be with them.  Tell them ways you’d like to help.
3. Listen.  It’s often hard to believe a loss has really happened.  Grieving people often need to talk about it a lot and tell the stories over and over.  Listening without judgement or interruption can be the most important gift you can give.
4.  Avoid cliches and Easy Answers.  “I’m sorry”…  “I care”…  “You’re in my thoughts” or “I’m with you” May be the best response.
5. Silence is Golden.  Sometimes there are no words for grief and no words that bring enough comfort to take away the pain.  Silence can demonstrate your trust and acceptance.
6. Accept and Encourage the Expression of Feelings.  Reassure the person that grief has many feelings…  that feelings are like barometers that indicate our internal weather.  Expressing feelings can help change the weather.  Suggest non-hurtful ways.  (Cry, punch bag, go running, etc.)
7. Offer Opportunities and Safety for Remembering.  There are many times during grief that remembering helps the healing and growth process.  Offer to revisit places and people who can help them get their questions answered or remember and can confirm the importance of their loss.
8. Learn About the Grief Process.  It will help with your fears and feelings of helplessness.  When appropriate, share this with your friend as a natural process.
9. Help the Person Find Support and Encouragement.  Help your friend find a variety of supports to deal with different feelings and needs.
10. Allow the Person to Grieve at His or Her Own Pace.  Grief is an individual process.  Your ability to not judge the length of time it takes will lighten the pressure to conform to other peoples’ needs or ways, and will enhance self-trust.
11. Be Patient…With yourself and your friend.  You may need to give more of yourself than you imagined.  Make sure you have your own means of support and self-care to see you through. 
12. Provide for Times of Lightheartedness.  Grief can be like swimming upstream…  sometimes you need to get out and recoup.  Laughter and play are wonderful ways to regain some needed energy.
13. Believe in the Person’s Ability to Recover and Grow.  Your hope and faith may be needed when theirs fails.  Your trust in the other’s ability to heal is essential.  Listen and be with them in emotional pain.  Do not push.

The Reverend Charles Meyer shared some wonderful thoughts for easing the pain of losing a loved one.

Talk About the Loss.  Shakespeare rightly wrote:  “The grief that does not speak whispers the o’erfraught heart and bids it break.”  Talk about the pain, the loneliness, the anger, the depression - all the feelings that arise - with a good friend, a counselor or a member of the clergy who will listen openly without feeling obligated to “fix things.”

Grief is Physical.  Bereavement is not only emotionally exhausting but physically exhausting as well.  Many survivors feel constantly tired or lethargic and may feel the need to sleep or rest more often.  This is the body’s way of processing the emotional stress.  Grieving persons need to exercise and eat regularly.  This will help reduce stress, provide needed energy and even balance out mood swings.

Just Because Someone is Dead Doesn’t Make Him Right.  People frequently say, “He would have wanted me to do this.”  But they didn’t always do what the loved one wanted when he or she was alive, and death does not confer posthumous infallibility.

All obligations to a loved one end at death.  Survivors need to follow the course of best interest for themselves, regardless of what the loved one’s wishes may have been.

It is Possible to Feel Opposing Emotions Simultaneously.  Most of us have been taught to believe that feelings exist in an either/or dichotomy.  So why, when someone dies after a long illness, do we feel extremely sad, yet extremely relieved at the same time?  The fact is that we can feel both sad and relieved, loving and angry, as we try to make sense out of what has happened.  The bereaved should allow all their emotions to emerge and then sort them out by talking with a trusted friend or undertaking some creative expression, such as keeping a journal.  It is also okay to wallow.  Despair, depression and deep sadness are all normal reactions to loss and should not be denied or discounted.

Releasing Pain Is Not Erasing Memory.  Strange as it may sound, most people are apprehensive about giving up intense grieving.  They believe that their sorrow, both public and private, is a sign of caring, and by giving it up or lessening it, they may also be diminishing the caring.  In fact, the exact opposite is true.  Gradually letting go of pain allows time and space for more vivid and pleasant memories to surface and become a part of daily living.

You Can Be Alone Without Being Lonely.  Loneliness is a self-inflicted condition; it can come on you when you’re alone or with a group of people.  It is possible to spend enjoyable time by yourself; however, it does require filling that time creatively and deciding who you are now, what you need now and what you want now.  It also requires giving up the fantasy that couples and families are never lonely.

Expect to Be Blindsided.  One of the most embarrassing and frightening experiences of great loss is to be perfectly normal one minute and, for no apparent reason, to dissolve the next.  It is as though a part of us is always on the lookout for remembrances.  You may be doing housework alone, visiting friends or watching television, when you suddenly become tearful and sad, usually without knowing why.  Take comfort in knowing that this is normal, and eventually it will happen less and less frequently.

Laughing Is Not Disrespectful.  Even though someone has died, funny things will happen at work, at home, to others and, believe it or not, to you.  It is okay to laugh at these things without feeling guilty about not spending twenty-four hours a day grieving.  Humor has always been a great stress reducer.

There Is Love After Loss.  Although there is an initial loss of libido after the death of a partner, your sexual feelings and the need for closeness and warmth will return.  That need may also be accompanied by feelings of guilt (about “cheating” on the spouse) or fear (of dating again or risking rejection).  Remember that it is okay to change, to be sexual and sensual.

Life’s Too Short Not to…  This phrase is a helpful one to remember when you are faced with spontaneous, difficult or even fun situations.  When the opportunity to do something new arises, don’t turn it down just because you wouldn’t have done it when your loved one was alive.  More often than not, these situations will actually prove to be enjoyable.